Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
i've created a new STD.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
