My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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