3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
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