I am puke
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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