I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
do herpes really smell.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
