I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
