i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
