I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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