I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
