even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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