Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me