We won't sleep together?
Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
These 25 Teachers Said Horrible Things to Their Students
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
21 Millennials Confess The Most Awkward Way Someone Has Tried Hitting On Them
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I'm too high and old for this...
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.