You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
