not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
