Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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