He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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