every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
