Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize