I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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