You can't motorboat a personality
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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