she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I just gargled with NyQuil
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Randomize
