He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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