Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
