We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
