She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
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She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
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The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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