my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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