he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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