No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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