and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
