i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I need to align my fucking chakras
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
