White coat. Heels.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
