i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Randomize
