Im at strip club and am horny
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
