this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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