I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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