And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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