Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
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