Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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