just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
