im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
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I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
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I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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