It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Four minutes until I can fart!
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
