I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
