Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
