I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
