I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
