thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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