when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
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