somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
