Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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