Sry I called you an 8
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
