I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
