your parents love me but you hate me
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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