From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
