Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
