Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
oh god the rape fog is back!
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
