so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
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